Famouse quotes to make your day a little easier to deal with

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Marriage works best for men than women. The two happiest groups are married men and unmarried women.
-- Gloria Steinem

Why get married and make one man miserable when I can stay single and make thousands miserable?
-- Carrie Snow

The Three Ages of Marriage: Twenty is when you watch the TV after. Forty is when you watch the TV during. Sixty is when you watch the TV instead.
-- Unknown

Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
-- Mickey Rooney

Inertia accounts for two-thirds of marriages. But love accounts for the other third.
-- Woody Allen (Hollywood Ending, 2002)

In olden times, sacrifices were made at the altar, a practice that still continues.
-- Helen Rowland

My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.
-- Roseanne Barr

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
-- Rita Rudner

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.
-- Anonymous

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
-- Johnny Carson
You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither!
-- Drew Carey
Sex is a two-way treat.
-- Franklin P Jones
It isn`t premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
-- Drew Carey
When I came here, I couldn't speak a word of English, but my sex life was perfect. Now my English is perfect but my sex life is rubbish.
-- Julio Iglesias
Humans are the only animal who can have sex over the phone.
-- Dave Letterman
Sex is the best high. It's better than any drug. I want to die making love because it feels so good.
-- Bai Ling
Men who tell you they read the Ann Summers catalogue for the articles are lying.
-- Rita Rudner
I think I mentioned to Bob [Geldof] I could make love for eight hours. What I didn't say was that this included four hours of begging and then dinner and a movie.
-- Sting
Ducking for apples - change one letter and it's the story of my life.
-- Dorothy Parker
Don't have sex man. It leads to kissing and pretty soon you have to start talking to them.
-- Steve Martin

If you rest, you rust.
-- Helen Hayes
I enjoy life. I think I'll enjoy death even more.
-- Cat Stevens
You can't expect to hit the jackpot if you don't put a few nickels in the machine.
-- Flip Wilson
The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
-- Andy Rooney
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
-- George Carlin (Sometimes a Little Brain Damage Can Help, 1984)
If all the world's a stage, I want to operate the trap door.
-- Paul Beatty
Life is like stepping onto a boat which is about to sail out to sea and sink.
-- Shunryu Suzuki Roshi
I always wait for the Times each morning. I look at the obituary column and if I’m not in it, I go to work.
-- A. E. Matthews (quoted in Filmgoer's Book of Quotes, 1973)
In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.
-- Joey Adams
To solve the human equation, we need to add love, subtract hate, multiply good, and divide between truth and error.
-- Janet Coleman
People tell me that Senator Edwards got picked for his good looks, his sex appeal, and his great hair. I say to them, 'How do you think I got the job?
-- Dick Cheney
I frankly felt like the reception we received on the way in from the airport was very warm and hospitable. And I want to thank the Canadian people who came out to wave -- with all five fingers -- for their hospitality.
-- George W. Bush
I love gentiles. In fact, on of my favorite activities is Protestant spotting.
-- Mel Brooks
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.
-- Douglas Adams
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
-- W.C. Fields
I can resist everything except temptation.
-- Oscar Wilde
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
-- W.C. Fields
The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit.
-- Somerset Maugham
Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
-- Dale Carnegie
There are things known and there are things unknown, and in between are the doors.
-- Jim Morrison
It's a scientific fact. For every year a person lives in Hollywood, they lose two points of their IQ.
-- Truman Capote
I thought 'Deep Throat' was a movie about a giraffe.
-- Bob Hope
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
-- Rita Rudner
Hollywood is where they shoot too many pictures and not enough actors.
-- Walter Winchell
I have to be careful to get out before I become the grotesque caricature of a hatchet-faced woman with big knockers.
-- Jamie Lee Curtis (on growing old in Hollywood, March 2001, More Magazine)
Hollywood's a place where they'll pay you a thousand dollars for a kiss, and fifty cents for your soul. I know, because I turned down the first offer often enough and held out for the fifty cents.
-- Marilyn Monroe
Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood.
-- Groucho Marx
Half the people in Hollywood are dying to be discovered and the other half are afraid they will be.
-- Lionel Barrymore
There are only three ages for women in Hollywood -- Babe, District Attorney, and Driving Miss Daisy.
-- Goldie Hawn (First Wives Club, 1996, Olivia Goldsmith, Robert Harling)
The only 'ism' Hollywood believes in is plagiarism.
-- Dorothy Parker
Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
-- Stephen Wright
I try to do the right thing with money. Save a dollar here and there, clip some coupons. Buy ten gold chains instead of 20. Four summer homes instead of eight.
-- L L Cool J
A man explained inflation to his wife thus:
'When we married, you measured 36-24-36. Now you're 42-42-42. There's more of you, but you are not worth as much.'
-- Lord Barnett
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
-- Rita Rudner
As a child, a library card takes you to exotic, faraway places. When you're grown up, a credit card does it.
-- Sam Ewing (Readers Digest, Dec, 1997)
When people ask me if I have any spare change, I tell them I have it at home in my spare wallet.
-- Nick Arnette
Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
-- J. Paul Getty
If you want to know what God thinks of money, just look at the people he gave it to.
-- Dorothy Parker
Compatible: Your money fits in the salesperson's wallet.
-- Rod Carty
I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.
-- Billy Connolly
A Minneapolis company has come out with a credit card size shotgun that fits in your wallet. The inventor says he invented it to give people a sense of security. Oh yeah, what makes you feel more secure than sitting on shotgun? Now how does this work? What's the first thing a thief steals? Your wallet, oh, now he's got your gun too!
-- Jay Leno
I was sued by a woman who claimed that she became pregnant because she watched me on television and I bent her contraceptive coil.
-- Uri Geller
In view of the fact that God limited the intelligence of man, it seems unfair that he did not also limit his stupidity.
-- Konrad Adenauer
The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. But not in that order.

-- Brian Pickrell
There is more stupidity than hydrogen in the universe, and it has a longer shelf life.
-- Frank Zappa
A stupid man's report of what a clever man says is never accurate because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.
-- Bertrand Russell
Most fools think they are only ignorant.
-- Benjamin Franklin
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits
-- Albert Einstein
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
-- Albert Einstein
He's done more U-turns than a dodgy plumber.
-- Iain Duncan Smith (on Tony Blair's attitude towards Europe)
She's got a great looking husband, a little boy and all the money in the world. She hasn't got the looks, but you can't have everything.
-- Jordan (on Victoria Beckham, Posh Spice)
I'd love to kiss you, but I just washed my hair.
-- Bette Davis (Cabin in the Cotton, 1932)
I once shook hands with Pat Boone and my whole right side sobered up.
-- Dean Martin
Joan Collins unfortunately can't be with us tonight. She's busy attending the birth of her next husband.
-- John Parrott
I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my sister's house and ask her for money.
-- Kevin Meaney
He must be the only man alive who can eat an apple through a tennis racket.
-- Gary Lineker (during the 2002 World Cup, on Ronaldo)
I am definitely not scared of Mike Tyson. I am at the top of the food chain and he is looking to knock me off. Mike's an arrogant imbecile. He sounds like a cartoon character.
-- Lennox Lewis
He'd make a lovely corpse.
-- Charles Dickens (Martin Chuzzlewit, Chapter 25)
She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.
-- Joan Rivers (on Marie Osmond)